all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
