Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
