is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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