God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
