I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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