I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
