everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
