Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
