I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
