So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
