I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
