here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How does it feel to date your dad?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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