so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
