I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
