I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
