She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
