oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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