how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
