a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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