Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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