I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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