i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
