fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just invented taco cereal.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
