My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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