you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
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He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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