i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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