Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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