Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
