You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Randomize
