carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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