if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
try to milk me bitch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
