you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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