My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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