i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
