We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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