Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
