...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
