It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
