so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
