i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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