The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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