im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
