dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
