I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
