Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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