I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I didn't notice because vodka
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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