I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
