connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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