There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
