I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
