I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
