Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
