My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I die, sorry about rent.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
