I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
