My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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