i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
