u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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